Saturday, December 4, 2010

Do I ever wish that I didn't have Bipolar?

I have a Yes and No response to this.

Yes because...

I could live without the fear of "passing" this along to my children or relying on my husband so much for support and the fear that I'm a burden to him due to my Bipolar. I also don't like the fact that I need medication in order to appear normal. After being diagnosed friends and family in the medical profession have confessed they either knew something wasn't quite right or had guessed I suffered untreated from Bipolar. It's not something you just tell a person, however so they never said anything to me.

Mostly the severe ups and downs could be wonderful to live without. During the depressed side of Bipolar I'm most fearful of myself as it's the most detrimental to my life. I'm both suicidal and unstable and the possibility of loosing my job is high due to severe irritability and the feeling of a need to stay home and never leave my bed. On the manic side, I have a lot of debt and no license due to my actions in a manic state.

No  because...

I love manic states when I don't end up doing anything really stupid. I get so much done. I have no need to sleep which was wonderful in college for obvious reasons. When I cared for my nephews during a manic state it was easy to take care of three boys under the age of three because I felt I could run after them forever. Overall I adore my productivity in a manic state. I'm like the energizer bunny!!

I've come to understand my father and his struggles. He passed away a few years ago, after I sought help but before I was properly diagnosed. Ironically I was given the same diagnosis he had, Bipolar Type 1, Anxiety Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Thinking back I don't excuse his behavior because he never continued treatment, which he could control however I now understand, which allows me to forgive him for such behavior. In a sense I'm happy to know exactly why he had the thoughts and the actions he did. There is nothing logical about why we have the thoughts we do however it's now understandable.

1 comment:

  1. No doubt having bipolar disorder type 1 does suck and I know that personally. Stay strong, I know it's easier said than done. Unfortunately for me medication has never worked for me and I have finally found that ECT treatments have worked for me. Hopefully, you will find what works for you. You will definitely have your ups & downs. Good luck with your treatment. Feel free to visit my blog, Confessions of Madness. I also have another blog called Just Me- which is poetry dedicated to how I feel, mostly crazy, lol. You are more than welcome to check it out too if you want.


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