Sunday, June 20, 2010

They Know

It happened today. It was something I was aware would come when I began this blog I just didn't know how scary it would be when the truth came out. I was admitted to the hospital in February of this year and very slowly I told my side of the family. Today my husband's side learned what I've been hiding.

Mostly I was ashamed of the truth. Growing up I always tried to appease the extended family as they were full of doctors and my immediate family lived in the ghetto and used my high school job paychecks to pay the bills. When I met my husband there was at least one person who at the time didn't think I was good enough for him. No worries...I feel the same way most of the time, yet I'm not my family. My father had bipolar I and so to I yet we chose to handle it in very different ways.

He did not medicate...I do. He rarely went to a therapist...I spent three months, not working seeing a therapist for forty hours a week. I screamed for help as a teen yet my father refused to hear me. There is a strong case for the genetic connection to the bipolar illness. I have extreme fears that our children will become "crazy" as I am and have a lifelong battle with this illness. What I have come to realize is that even if they do become sick I will choose to listen and get them the help they need before they end up where I did earlier this year.

Do not be afraid because you now know. I am freed by the truth of the burden which I will always carry. Now everyone knows.

Perhaps it is understood why my husband and I cannot buy birthday presents for anyone but the children in our family, why I hate the noise of the city, or why I prefer simplicity. Anything to try and ease the unnecessary stress helps my condition. Technically I'm only supposed to work part time due to doctor's orders but instead I took a less stressful job to help our financial situation although the pay is much less. Perhaps some day I can do the best thing for me, to become a stay at home mom. To raise a family in the country would be heaven to me.

Today you learned a little more than you knew before. I was afraid to tell you but now we all must deal. I'm sick but I'm healing. I'm better today than I was yesterday and certainly better than I was last year. You must first hit rock bottom before you can get better!! This is me getting's okay to call me.

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