Friday, April 29, 2011

Wish it was easy...

I wish so many things about the bipolar disorder most of all that it was easy. I wish that I could say that I've always known that I have had the bipolar disorder. I wish I could say that there's a simple test for it and that it was a simple thing to discover. So many wishes, yet as with many real life situations my wishes do not come true.

I was first diagnosed with depression in college. I had known something was very wrong for a long time but my father, who also had bipolar type 1 couldn't comprehend that someone else in the family could be suffering from a mental illness as well. I knew the diagnosis was wrong, not at first but eventually. The antidepressants made me so content with everything. You could have told me that my house had burned down and we would have to sleep outside on the grass and I would have been perfectly okay with that.

I never thought that a day would come when I would feel at peace, no longer suffering. Since I can remember I've always been a very wound up individual and what I mean by this is that I always seemed to hold an incredible amount of stress and anxiety within me. To think I could be any different didn't seem possible. To me this life was normal. It was all I ever knew. Now that I have been diagnosed I look back at my life and I'm certain that I've always had the bipolar disorder.

Everyone else, especially those in the medical field seem to sense that I had bipolar. After I was diagnosed however was when they all decided to tell me. I asked, “Why didn't you tell me?” I sometimes wish that they had let me in on the secret. The question is, would I have believed them? Maybe not, I don't know.

There isn't a blood test or a brain scan that can tell you if you have the bipolar disorder. I wish it was that simple, that easy. So many people are misdiagnosed with other kinds of mental illnesses before getting the proper bipolar illness diagnosis. Perhaps if there was a test misdiagnoses wouldn't occur. I was diagnosed by the third, fourth and fifth psychologists I saw. This illness is not easy, but when you finally receive the diagnosis everything becomes more clear. My last and most recent psychologist adjusted my medication a ton when I first came to see her and now I'm what I can only consider “normal”. I've never felt this way before. I wish all who suffer from this illness can one day feel the peace and serenity that I now feel. Not overly or under medicated and with the tools I need to succeed.

It may not be easy. It may not be a simple test but once you know, life does become as easy as it's ever going to be for those with this illness.

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