Sunday, November 7, 2010

Coming Home

As many of you already are aware I'm new to Omaha. I've lived here with my husband and kitty for less than a year. For me this city is overwhelming with stimuli which I don't need especially considering I'm overly sensitive to people, noises, stuff. Too much of anything can cause me to fall into a depressed state as I become overly stressed and overwhelmed. Simply put, I don't care for Omaha very much. I would be much more content in a small town, similar to Valparaiso, NE. There's less than a thousand people who live there. It's the perfect size for me. For my husband though small town life is not home.

Jason grew up on a farm. I grew up in large town or small city, depending on where you're from. My grandparents own a farm and I took solace there trying to visit when ever possible. After my college roommate married I moved on to the farm and lived in the small town for a few years. It was bliss. I loved it! Jason was bored a lot while growing up, yearning to be in the city. I guess there would have to be a point in our lives that what we're comfortable with in terms of living conditions would collide. This time has arrived.

I want to be the supportive wife and be happy here. I want to be content living in a city that is too large to walk from one side to another in an hour. I want to be able to be at peace when I look out my window and see the constant view of hustle and bustle. Hundreds of buildings, homes and vehicles in view. I'm hoping to be happy here, so that Jason can be happy.

Today I went to a new church, yet again, trying to find a church home to which to belong. My anxiety goes though the roof when I attend a new church, especially alone. Jason usually doesn't attend with me, so I'm always alone in my search.
A few years ago I worked in a church and found out how political and corrupt some people within them could be towards each other. This was disheartening. I was naive when I began thinking that people would abide to their faith above all else. I find my self a bit jaded now. This experience scarred me, possibly as much as the childhood abuse I endured. The main person who hurt me while I worked there is someone I struggle with daily to forgive. As you can imagine that experience doesn't make this search any easier. A co-worker invited me to his church a few weeks ago and I attended but I was not comfortable because the church was small and I knew that if it were to become unhealthy the size would make it more susceptible to fall apart and really hurt some of it's members in the process.

The church I attended this morning could be referred to as a mega church. It is quite large which puts some of my anxieties to ease and stirs up others. The stimuli there is sometimes a lot to take but I just try to stay focused on why I'm there and not all the people around me.

Overall I had a good worship experience. The music was rejuvenating. The message spoke to me, especially on a level that really hit home with my past church political experiences. The message was focused in the book of Titus. It was a beautiful message, given by the pastor who created the Children's Ministry Curriculum of which I am very familiar. The Children's Ministry Program at this church is one of the strongest I have ever seen and I would love my own children to be one day raised in this environment.

After service I walked to the "Guest Services" area forcing myself to say hello to the volunteers. This was stressful for me as I'm not a person to be forwardly social right away in a new situation. After doing this and receiving a warm welcome I decided to push myself a little further and visit the Nursery. One goal of mine in finding a new church in Omaha is finding a place where I could bring our children when we have a family. This is especially important knowing how much Jason loves it here. While I look for a home church I try to keep in mind that by finding such a place in which I'm comfortable I may grow to like or even love Omaha. The Nursery seemed nice and as a major plus, the director of the Nursery used cloth diapers on all her children and doesn't mind if I were to be a future parent using cloth.

I think I found my home. A few more weeks will be the test. In a few weeks if I still feel at ease here, as though I'm coming home, it may be my new church home. With a new church in Omaha, perhaps, eventually I can feel at home in this now very uncomfortable city.

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