I love this holiday, likely because I adore children so much. It was a down day for me so it did not start out well and there was nothing I felt that I could look forward to as there are no children in our home anymore. There was no one to dress up, take trick-or-treating, paint pumpkins with and since we live in an apartment once again no one to hand candy out to. Disappointing was the way the day started and my mood wasn't helping. I've been cycling rather quickly this past month or so. Yesterday was a down day where as Thursday was a manic day.
Work was okay. Nothing special. Not that difficult to get through. Coming home was a different story all together. Jason was off for the day so seeing him was good but that was as far as my mood would allow me to go in a positive direction.
I came home with the intention of making chocolate chip cookies from scratch. My instant cookies have been nothing but disasters lately so I really want to do the homemade thing once again. Problem was when I looked at the kitchen it was as though I had been sucker punched. There's no counter space and thus when there are a few dirty dishes it's overwhelming to me. I did not feel like cleaning so that I could bake for an hour then clean some more. That required a lot of energy I did not possess. Depressed I leave the clean mixing bowl and the bag of chocolate chips on the kitchen table and plopped down on the couch.
I curl up with the couch pillows and my favorite throw, put on FRIENDS and lay there. After a while I get up as I haven't ate much all day and look for something that doesn't require a lot of room or dishes to make. I didn't have the energy to clean and am very hungry at this point. The only thing I find requiring no room and no dishes was a sleeve of Ritz crackers. I bring them back to the couch and devour nearly the entire package. Not good for me, I know but I didn't care.
I take a nap. I do this way too much when I get bored, upset or simply depressed. I can't cope so I sleep. When sleeping I don't think and I don't feel which during these down times is all I want.
Evening approaches and Jason asks me what I want for dinner as I stir on the couch. I reply, "Something that doesn't dirty a lot of dishes and that is easy and fast. I wanted french toast but we have no bread. I wanted pizza but we have no pizza. The kitchen is so messy I can't stand it and it's overwhelming so I don't want to go in there for very long." I go back to sleep. I know I wasn't very cheery, but it was the honest truth. If there's one thing I do well, it's telling the truth. I'm honest to a fault.
When I awaken I hear a buzz at the apartment door and Jason leaves. I try to go back to sleep but thankfully I was unsuccessful. Jason returns with delivered pizza and bread-sticks. I wander into the kitchen to grab a plate as I'm so happy we have pizza! Even more surprises, Jason has loaded the dishwasher and the kitchen is clean! Oh, bliss!! I wasn't super perky but not so depressed either. After having yummy, yummy pizza the coffee maker was easily accessible so I made some coffee. No more sleep for me.
The remainder of the night turned around. By noticing what kind of mental state I was in and realizing that I was not going to be able to pull myself out of this one Jason saved the day! He did what was needed for me to be able to function for the remainder of the night. I'm so happy that Jason is understanding a little more about this crazy illness (no pun intended) and there are some days when I cannot do what needs to be done on my own.
I'm super clean myself but when others are not there are days I just don't care to clean up after them. It's too much. Clean equals peace in my world. There's less stress when things are all in order.
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